History Forum / General / British History / April 2008

The Bull
with homage and humongous
apologies to Ralph Hodgson (1871-1962)

See the old unhappy twit,
Sick in soul and body both,
Envy, gluttony and sloth,
Lust and pride -- he thinks he's "it".
Surly, stupid, pitiful,
Watching Fox and posting bull.

Pity him, this flaccid dick,
All his intellectual strength,
All his mental breadth and length
Dwindled down to "Yep" and [sic].
Half the man he was before,
Pompous bluster, nothing more.

Pity him who once was young,
All his faculties in place.
Now he's just a waste of space.
But for Hogg, he'd be unsung.
Killfiled, ridiculed, ignored
By the posters he has bored.

Vainly tries to stay awake,
Practising one-upmanship,
Keen to spot when leftests slip.
What a toll old age must take:
Even he can screw the pooch.
Blame the undiluted hooch.

Slouched at his beloved PC
In a stupor, dreaming things:
Inter-racial swings and flings,
Owning a distillery.
Pleasant dreams, but in a tick
He wakes up in a pool of [sic].

Dreaming over once again
How he sailed off with a throng
Of matelots a thousand strong,
Loads of seamen on the main,
Wetting decks when peril neared,
Swabbing them when danger cleared.

Shorebound now, alas, he is,
No more swapping yarns with rogues,
No more sharing bunks with pogues,
"Seamen" now means only "jizz".
(That's not in the OED.
Try the Urban Dictionary.)
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jizz

When old age starts creeping on,
Mrs H. thinks, "No, good grief!" --
Fourteen stones of jerky beef,
All from one spermatozoon --
"Twice my weight! This makes no sense.
"Take it on your elbows, Spence!"

Now she's cut off his supply,
Sublimation soothes the pain:
Rooting for old John McCain,
Pornosurfing on the sly.
What a dismal end for him
Who once was sound in mind and limb.

James Hogg