History Forum / General / General Topics / December 2006

American Military History

1775-1783 : American Revolution. American colonists want to smuggle
stuff freely without paying any tax to their head of state, the King of
England. After the Brits start correcting that silly behavior, the
rebels run to France for help. France, never missing an opportunity to
annoy their favorite enemy, and feeling bored, agrees to help and the
French Navy and expeditionary corps save the americans' bacon. Not that
it made France any good since the huge hole in their budget started the
much more bloody French revolution. Since then people around the world
think this was the most stupid French decision ever, in a long list of
those.

1775-1890 : the Indian Wars. The newly independant Americans decide
they should pick a fight with an inferior enemy for a change, not a
first rate power any more, thus starting the First Rule of American
Warfare : bully minor players then brag about how macho they are.
Anyway, even the vastly inferior techologically Indians will take a
century of fighting and a genocide before yielding.

1798-1800 : not the least grateful for the French help in getting their
independance, Americans take advantage of the fact that the British and
French Navies square it off to capture some easy pickings in the
Caribbean, thus starting the Second Rule of American Warfare : let the
main combatants bleed themselves before moving in for easy victories,
then brag about how macho they are.

1800-1815 : the Barbary Wars. Some fat American merchants complain
about Arab pirates hampering their business. The US send a small naval
force to display some fireworks outside the pirates' homes. Then they
turn tails and run home, letting everyone else deal with the mess. Thus
started the Third Rule of American Warfare : when the voters complain
about something, go fight some lousy Arabs and leave a whole mess
afterwards, then brag about how macho they are.

1812-1815 : The War of 1812. Emboldened by those easy victories, the
Americans think they can duke it out with a first rate power, Great
Britain. The Brits kick some yankee a.s and burn the White House,
without breaking a sweat.

1846-1848 : the Mexican-American War. After the previous spanking,
Americans wait 30 years before misbehaving again. This time, they want
to steal their neighbors' land, a seemingly easy task against the
laughable Mexican Army. At first it seemed a victory, but a closer
examination reveals the Mexicans weren't stupid, just lazy : why fight
for the lands when you can let the stupid Gringos develop them, then
come back to breed and occupy them again ? Recent developments in the
south-western states are confirming the trend, and the yankees are to
frightened to fight back the peaceful latino invasion.

1861-1865 : the Civil War. The northern yankee industrialists need
cheap labor and proceed to hide their greed behing humanitarian
motives, that is "free the negroes" so they can labor in factories.
This will become the Fourth Rule of American Warfare : when trying to
steal another people's riches, always pretend loudly it's for their own
good, then brag about how progressive they are.
Also, the American Civil War gifts the world with this shiny new thing,
industrial warfare.

1898 : The Spanish-American War. Not feeling ballsy enough to take on a
big european power, Americans attack the weakest european country,
Spain, exhausted after a century of internal strife ; faithfully
following the First Rule of American Warfare.

1899-1902 : US-Philippines War. Mighty mighty Philippines. Need we say
more. See again First Rule.

1909-1933 : The Banana Wars. American big business again fighting to
improve other people's lives. NOT.
Actually gringo imperialism to force the Latins to grow bananas for
American commercial interests.

1917-1918 (for America) : World War I. Applying the Second Rule of
American Warfare, the US wait until the main European combatants are
exhausted then move in for easy victories. At the end of the war,
airhead president Wilson believes he can redraw the maps of Europe for
the good of everyone involved (this will lead to WWII) but the American
congress doesn't even bother to participate in the Wilson-inspired
Société Des Nations. Meanwhile, New-York bankers have
enthusiastically supported the Bolshevik coup in Russia. High placed
players in America realize war and destruction in Europe are in their
interest, should it happen again.

1941-1945 (for America) : World War II. Perfectly safe from invasion
behind two oceans, America first sells weapons to Britain, then lets
the Japs give them a pretext to enter the war. While British, Russian
and Free French armies battle the German super-soldier Ubermenschen,
America feels much more safe bombing the whole Western Europe from 5
miles high, not bothering to tell a church or an hospital from a
factory or a barracks. Only when millions of dead Russian soldiers have
weakened the German army enough, does America dare to invade the
European mainland, officially to free it for the benefit of American
corporations. And while Europe was supposed to be liberated from nazi
oppression, weak-willed president Roosevelt hands the eastern half to
humanitarian uncle Joe (including poor Poland whose invasion by germany
and USSR provoked the war in the first place). Although possession of
the nuke (thanks to European scientists) guaranteed the Soviets could
have done nothing to prevent the true liberation of Eastern Europe, the
Americans were too eager to go back watch movies and eat ice-cream.

1945-1991 : the Cold War. A war won by producing more pizzas than the
adversary.

1950-1953 : the Korean War : a coalition keeps the Americans fighting
against north Korean communist invaders. As usual when the going gets
tough, Americans chicken out and don't push further. 50 years later the
North Korean dictators are still very much there.

1956-1975 : Vietnam War. When the impoverished (by WW2) French got fed
up with a jungle-covered hellhole, Americans snickered and welcomed
"the end of French imperialism". Realizing the new "free Indochinese"
were actually communists, Americans got scared and resumed their habit
of bombing everything from high above. Finally, pizza-eating surrender
monkeys on US campuses forced the pot-smoking US Army to withdraw from
Vietnam, leaving its prisoners to rot in commie reeducation camps.

1980 : Iranian Hostage Crisis. Ayatollah Khomeiny, until then hailed as
a great progressive leader by Western liberals, turns against his
stupid foreign backers. Iranian fanatics take the American embassy
hostage. A liberation attempt by "elite" US soldiers ends up in a
monumental fiasco.

1983 : Invasion of Grenada. The locals weren't willing to be american
vassals any more and expressed it. In response, the US invaded the tiny
island. See First Rule.

1989 : invasion of Panama. See above.

1991 : the Gulf War. Third Rule of American Warfare at work.
Additionally, the sudden end of the Cold War left American armies in
urgent need of a super-villain to justify their cost. Ira was a perfect
target : weak though big enough that American propaganda outlets could
claim it was really a very dangerous opponent.
After the end of the war, Saddam Hussein was still very much alive.

1991-2003 : the "No-Fly Zone" War. While the embargo on Irak left Iraqi
children to starve and Saddam Hussein to fatten, Americans got to
satisfy their habit of bravely dropping bombs from high above (and kept
American business happy).

1992-1994 : American Intervention in Somalia. First Americans got to
stage D-Day all over again with the added bonus of CNN crews to welcom
them on the beach. Then they failed to improve the situation whatsoever
and ran at the first sign of trouble. The two bravest Americans alive,
Gordon and Shugart, ended up dead in a dusty street.

1999 : the Kosovo War. The Serbs weren't willing enough to leave their
historical heartland to muslim albanian invaders. Righteous Americans
thought it was a good opportunity to bomb some stuff in Europe again
and started a propaganda campaign to convince the world of a
non-existent genocide, then proceeded to destroy countless historical
sites and lay waste to the Danube river.
Today the albanians are conducting ethnic cleansing on Kosovo Serbs and
us their position to deal in every possible sort of illegal
trafficking.

2001-? : War in Afghanistan. After a bunch of lousy Arab fanatics
managed to use planes effectively to bomb stuff up, America got to run
around like a headless chicken. While the terrorists were Saudis, it
wouldn't do to attack the biggest buyer of American weapons. The US did
the next best thing, bombing the loony talebans from planes while other
Afghanis did the real fighting on the ground. Needless to say the place
is now a mess.

2003-? : War in Iraq. In a rare display of sense, the American
president decides to finish the job started 10 years earlier.
Unfortunately, he gives such stupid pretexts that its former coalition
allies tell him to go play with himself. Furious at the display of
independance, America throws a tantrum and starts eating freedom fries,
while making a big thing of beating the pitiful remains of the Iraqi
Army. Oh, did we mention oil ? See Fourth Rule of American Warfare.
Iraq is now officially a Democracy (with a big capital D) and Iraqis
can now die democratically in the mess that is Democratic Iraq.